It all started in March of 2020...

I've been in the church my whole life. My parents raised me to love Christ and live for him. I proffessed my faith in second grade and promptly refused to put any effort into my faith. I went to a private Christian school, attended church every week, and did all the "Christian" things available to me and assumed that it was enough for my faith. I very quickly learned that was far from the truth. 

In middle school, I joined my first Bible study. I felt convicted that maybe I should put in some personal time with God outside of my normal routine. I didn't really know what I was doing but I tried to be in the Bible and keep up with the other girls. At this time, my grandmother moved in with us due to health complications she was having. Many times, my prayer would be focused around her health. 

While she was with us, we became good friends. We would hang out at night and watch TV together. She was fun even though her health was failing. Eventually, she needed more care than we could give her, so we made the decision to put her into rehab. I was sure that it was a temporary thing, and she would soon be home again with us. 

One night, my mom sat my sister and I down and let us know that Grandma was headed to the hospital; her health declining rapidly and she probably would not be returning to the rehab facility or our home. I was crushed. I did the only thing I could think of - I prayed for her healing. All my other grandparents had passed when I was younger and I was not ready to see her gone. We had just really started to bond. 

A few days later my grandma was gone. 

I felt like her passing was somehow my fault. I thought that since I had prayed for her healing, she would be better and able to come home. I began to wonder why my prayer wasn't answered. I put all the blame on myself and told myself that a lack of faith was responsible for the outcome of the situation. I strove to be better. I set unattainable study standards, tried to be perfect in every way, and failed continually. I felt like my shortcomings separated me from a true relationship with Christ. 

As I continued to seek my own perfection and fail to succeed, I became depressed. I felt that there was no way that I was worth any success, any attention, and any love that came from my works. I felt like God had left me there in my brokenness and since I seemed unlovable by my own standards, God must not love me either. For years, I was depressed, anxious and going through the motions of life feeling like everyone would be better off if I was out of their life. 

Thankfully, as I was ready to give up on myself, God placed others in my life to show me that I was not alone, I was not neglected by God, and I was capable of more than I could understand. Through my youth group, my family, and growing in my own understanding of God's character through worship and scripture, God redeemed my story. He gave me friends that would see through the facade I hid behind and pointed me back to God. My parents kept loving me unconditionally, even when they didn't know the full situation. God taught me that it wasn't about me and my accomplishments. It is about Him.

My lifestyle and mentality didn't change overnight. I spent years relearning who God is, and who I am. Through the processes, I made lifelong friends, developed a passion for serving, and a passion for helping youth understand that their identity doesn't come from the things of this world. They come through our identity in Christ. 

I hope my story encourages you. If you want to hear more of my story or have questions,  use the button below to email madexmadison@gmail.com or reach out to me on Instagram/Facebook.